POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE

Shabbat rolled around yet again (as it tends to do every Friday), and we ushered in the weekend by heading to Vegas. Unsurprisingly, we passed yet another Flinstones amusement park on our way out of Arizona, and unsurprisingly again, we had to pull over in the desert to check on our TEMPermental coolant tank. Although Rex was not around to give us his sage advice, a sporty p90x muscle tank-wearing-hummer driving, fake-tanned middle aged man came by. He shared a cute story about when he was a young guy and got severely burned by checking the coolant the same way we were. We missed Wyoming. 

Last time we checked in with you, Daniella was insanely dehydrated in the Grand Canyon. And so Daniella continued to block out Sarah and framed her drinking of sixteen cups of water and a Gatorade (sport top) as part of her Vegas pregame, rather than as a health necessity.

We soon arrived at the Imperial Palace on the strip and Daniella greeted Vegas for the first time in a rather ‘Daniella’ fashion. There are consequences to drinking sixteen cups of water and a Gatorade (sport top), as one would imagine. Upon entering the parking garage, Daniella realized that she was 5 flights of stairs, 115 degrees Fahrenheit, and three duffel bags away from a bathroom. As Sarah painstakingly slowly and meticulously unloaded the car, Daniella scavenged for a voluminous vessel that could perhaps hold the sixteen ups of water and Gatorade (sport top) she greatly needed to deposit. There was no Big Gulp cup or empty water bottle to be found, so instead she had to resort to the next best thing: a plastic to-go sandwich container. Sarah warned that this would not suffice (based on her own past experiences), but Daniella was too desperate to heed her advice…

After ruining her favorite Moccasins, Daniella was in a predicament: wear her now dampened shoes or be forced to ruin her reputation by wearing Sarah’s favorite pair of Keen water shoes (“they make you feel invincible!”). Moments later Daniella and Sarah made their way to the hour long check-in line at the casino. Unlike those surrounding the two carrying their over-sized margarita glasses, brewskis, and Ed Hardy hats, Daniella and Sarah were a bit scrappy. Both were  dirt streaked from the Grand Canyon and in need of showers, but Daniella stood out a bit more with Keen water shoes and conspicuously wet legs. Daniella was at least proud of herself for securing the number one spot in line for the shower. However, she had to endure standing in line next to Sarah who began every sentence with the word “urine” to poke fun at Daniella’s condition (“Urine Vegas!” “Urine a casino!” “Urine for a good time!’). 

Joey pointed out that the Imperial Palace was famous for their celebrity look-a-likes. Daniella and Sarah were pleased with their opportunity to meet “Reba,” for they missed her at the Minnesota state fair (due to the route change). After checking-in, the six of us went up to our room and delayed the Vegas raging in order to watch Steve Martin’s “Roxanne” in its entirety. Evidently one night of camping had really made us desperate for civilization.

 What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, and the next morning we were on the road. With Big Willy Style blasting through the Volvo’s speakers and 118 degree weather toasting us through the Mojave, we made our way to LA LA Land. There Sarah and Daniella went through a trial separation. Here is a list of shout-outs requested by SOME of the people we each saw in the City of Angels: Kat Siu, Matt Edelman, Mia Henley, Fratalie Brohen (Natalie duh), Danny Shulman and Taylor Swift.

Being more central California savvy than Sarah, Daniella programmed the trip back to San Francisco. We stopped in a small ethnically-confused “Danish” town called Solvang. According to Wikipedia, the town was established in the early 1900’s by a group of Danish settlers home sick for wind mills and pastries. However, this town was placed smack upon a Native American reservation and right next to a predominantly Latino township. Sarah and Daniella fit in quite well. The souvenirs in the town were representative of the town’s demographic and we were tempted to buy the wooden clog magnet upon which was written “I love my abuela.” Daniella had surprised Sarah with this stop but soon regretted it with Sarah’s commentary: “Do we need our passports? Is it safe to drink the water? Did you bring the malaria pills? Oh I forgot my international outlet adapter in the car!”

After this international jaunt, Daniella wanted to show Sarah where she goes to school, but they were on a tight schedule to get to the Gilroy Premium Outlets. Upon reaching San Luis Obispo, Daniella felt she had no reason to stop, for Sarah was getting just the glimpse she needed from the bumper sticker on the truck in front of them. A graphic of two children kneeling and praying accompanied by the slogan “God responds to Knee-mails”. They also passed through Paso Robles and were avidly searching for the three hundred pound capybara that had been reportedly seen three times this year (Dave the banana, are you still reading?).

Sarah and Daniella felt the trip came full circle when, as they entered the Bay Area, they were greeted with by a billboard with a picture of Mt. Rushmore and the words “Four guys looking for a bachelor pad”. This signaled the time for us to begin our emotional montage playlist and all the way home listened to nothing but Randy Newman (You’ve Got A Friend), Adele, Sting, and Snoop Dogg.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Daniella is currently soaking up her last moments of freedom before her final year at Cal Poly. She is taking refrigerated typhoid pills for eight days in preparation for a  medical microbiology class in the fall. She feels she cannot socialize or drive while on the medications and can be visited at her palace.

Sarah is busy getting ready for her move to Boston and still overly sentimental (no surprise there) about not returning to Ann Arbor this semester. She is spending her last remaining week on the West Coast trying to convince her mom that she should not be sleeping on an aero bed for her first year in the real world, rather a mattress seems more appropriate.

The two authors/comedians/friends plan to continue their adventurous blogging in a couple years. Third passenger applications to be accepted on a rolling basis. Shoutout to Aaron Mandel.

Dirty South 2013!

H.A.G.S !

PP & DLO

TRIPS COLLIDE

Nothing could damper our time at Rushmore; but when on the open road one must be flexible. After finding out that our buddy Eli was detained in Peru and was unable to host us in Minneapolis, we had to think on our feet. So we decided South Dakota was as far east as we would go and we turned the Volvo around.

Missing Wyoming and knowing it was on our path south, we decided to head to Boulder, Colorado, where, what do you know, we rendevouzed with our friends who were on their way back from the dirty south: Joey, Toby, Lucy, and Allison!

The road to Colorado was desert and prairie and for the first time, got the better of us. Experiencing some slight car trouble we pulled over by Lusk, Wyoming. A local rancher by the name of Rex and his ranch hand, 11-year-old Shane, saw our troubles and came to the rescue. Although there was no real problem with the car and we could have done without the stop, Sarah managed to secure Rex’s digits and an invite to the Lusk Middle School Dance.

Six of us in two king beds, twelve hours, and the gracious tour guide Ben Meisel made Boulder a fantastic hit and run. Sarah was really ruffling everyones feathers with her frequent BOLD-er puns, so Daniella was happy to have other friends around to channel her disgruntlemant. 

Wednesday morning, after making plans to meet the Prius Crew (Joey, Toby, Lucy, Allison) at the Grand Canyon the following day, we parted ways and headed to Denver. After exploring the Red Rocks Amphiteater, Daniella and Sarah temporarily separated. While Sarah attended a family bbq, Daniella watched her first episode of “Toddlers and Tiaras” with her old roommate Casey’s family. Both were quite pleased with their time in Denver.

5am rolled around and it was time for Sarah and Daniella to depart for the longest remaining leg of the trip: a 700 mile drive to Arizona. Although it was early and we were sleep deprived, the Rockies woke us up with their sharp beauty and ridiculous ski resort names.

Suddenly, as we cruised through Moab, Utah, we were rudely cut off and enveloped in a thick cloud of Smug from a silver prius! Daniella, as driver, began to mutter under her breath how much she despised Prius’s (foreshadow). Sarah thrust her head out the window spraying profanity and to our surprise was met by the distinctly long and tanned middle finger of one Joey Bien-Kahn. And so the caravanning to the Canyon began.

Traveling together spiced up the drive and provided for many entertaining stops along the way. In an attempt to cool down from the pounding desert heat, we made quite the number of truck driving friends as those of us without bathing suits got honks and cheers while we jumped off rocks into the reservoir along the highway. After crossing the state lines into Arizona, we detoured to drive through Monument Valley. Sarah explained to Daniella that this was an area Chevy commercials had been filmed which naturally got the jingle “Like A Rock” stuck in our heads for the remaining stretch.

The two cars rolled up to the South Rim of the Grand Canyon just in time for sunset. While the canyon turned from reds to purples and the sky a deep magenta, the six of us broke out a bottle of Red and talked about how underrated the Canyon was. We arrived at our camp site and from then on unfolded a rather primitive scene. While the girls gathered sticks and twigs for kindling, the boys built a roaring fire and roasted raw steaks.

Feeling the need for some programmed time, we began a game of Mafia which pitted friend against friend and got more heated than our dwindling fire. When it was time to hit the sack, the Prius crew squished into a two person tent and Sarah and Daniella bragged about the cushy back seats of the cars that awaited them. Sarah slept like a baby in the back seat of the Volvo, but what occurred in the Prius next door was a whole other story.

Joey, looking out for Daniella’s safety, locked the Prius doors minutes after Daniella fell asleep. But at midnight Daniella was woken up by the splatter of rain drops through her open window. In an attempt to save the car and herself from drowning, Daniella climbed to the front seat to look for the keys to raise the windows. She soon realized she was not only key-less, but trapped in the Prius. Luckily the rain was light and sporadic, but unluckily she had a mild panic attack at the thought of being stuck in rank smelling smug mobile forever. She managed to calm herself and looked forward to being released in the morning. At 8am, Daniella bounced up when she heard Sarah slam the Volvo door. She stuck her stubby fingers and small mouth out the sliver of open window yelling for Sarah’s attention. Sarah, in a morning stuper, did not hear Daniella’s cries for help and walked in the other direction towards the bathroom.  Daniella thought again about setting off the car alarm for freedom, but didn’t want to awake the Prius crew in their nearby tent. Sarah soon returned and Daniella saw of a glimpse of hope-- until Sarah again didn’t notice her and proceeeded to take out her monring workout equipment (a 3 lb weight exercise hula-hoop). Mid-workout Sarah did though notice Daniella banging her tiny fists against the window yelling “SARAH, I’M TRAPPED!” Sarah dropped her hula hoop mid-spin but was still of no help to Daniella because she was laughing too hard to be of assistance. Daniella decided her last hope was to try and unlock the doors praying it would be silent. However, Daniella had no such luck and instead of just waking up her friends with the car alarm, she managed to wake up the entire camp ground. She cared little at this point, for she was free.

Now that everybody was wide awake, we packed up camp and began a hike into the Canyon. Previously, Daniella had been rebelling against Sarah’s motherly nagging to drink water and decided she was above it (she was unmoved by Sarah’s motto, “stay flydrated”). Unfortunately, this only came back to kick Daniella in the ass. The hike up the canyon wall proved to be more strenous than the group had planned for. Daniella was sucking wind for she was becoming drastically dehyrdated. After almost throwing up onto the Canyon floor thousands of feet below, God noted Daniella’s misery and sent down a few rain drops and lightening bolts to cool the journey. Regardless of the hardships, the Canyon was epic and the group was awed by this American icon.

Filthy, unshowered, and dehydrated, the group heads West…

Viva Las Vegas!

PP and DLO

So this is what heaven is like...

In brief, we were floored. 
It was bittersweet leaving Wyoming, but upon crossing state lines, we were almost immediately greeted by a Flinstones Bedrock Amusement Park. We were further astonished by South Dakota's lack of mature humor, evidenced by their "Your Mom" jokes on billboards ("Your Mom Was Pro-life!"). We didn't think it could get any better, but as we drove through the Black Hills and out onto the plains, we came across "Boner Ranch." Done. 


And then, there was Rushmore.


It may be safe to say that we were the only visitors to not only blast "pump up jamz" (NOW 6) as we wound our way up to Mt. Rushmore, but to also bring three costume changes each for our much anticipated photo shoot with The Boys.

The memorial was heartwarming, and perhaps the most patriotic ten minutes we have ever shared together. But Mt. Rushmore was not the only element that made our time in South Dakota a dream....


KEYSTONE: Population, 311. 
Although we were able to see the whole town in one, sweeping, wide-eyed gaze, there were so many secrets to be discovered ("Home of National Treasure 2!"). We loved the locals, although four out the five we asked did not know the names of the presidents carved into the mountains riiiiight above them. Most notably, however, was the fact that buffets were the only dinning option in town. We can't complain, though, our all-you-can-eat BBQ pork ribs, fried chicken and sasparilla dinner was divine. The ambiance was stellar, we could not imagine any other way to enjoy a South Dakota buffet--the plethora of fake flowers, smooth jazz, jiggling jello molds and the curious voice of the toddler behind us, "mom, what's a street rat?"-- perfection.


In conclusion, the nighttime Rushmore lighting ceremony, a dip in the heated indoor pool and the realization that we were the only two at the Washington Inn and Suites not receiving the senior discount, made for a true walk in Eden.


South Dakota, our place. 
DLO and PP

EARLY RETIREMENT

Reporting live from the WY-387 E towards the South Dakota border!

Radio station: Wyoming’s 105.5 ‘The Cool’. Landscape: behind us, an Arctic Fox RV, ahead of us...America!

A recap of the past 3 days:

Starting the day at dawn’s hour, we headed out towards Grand Teton National Park. As newbies to the park, we stopped at the visitor’s center to ask for hiking information. After flaunting that we had “practically lived in Yosemite for 3 summers” to the ranger on duty, our faces soon turned ashen when we were informed that there were more Moose attacks in the park than bear. “There is a female moose that likes to hang out at the trail head, females are the fiercest.” We were set back a bit by this tid bit of info, but we decided it was our duty to psych back up for our hike. To do so, Sarah tightened her backpack straps and recited Maya Angelou’s “Phenomenal woman” to herself. But  she was soon interrupted by Daniella’s murmers of “I’ll Make A Man Out Of You” from Disney’s “Mulan.” But once ready, we hit the Tetons running. We hiked beautiful mountain trails around a string of lakes, weaving in and out forests, meadows and canyons. As we rounded each corner, we were met by sweeping views of the valley below with spurts of wildflowers coloring the landscape.

Heeding the ranger’s advice and drawing from our ample backcountry experience, we knew that we had to make the animals aware of our presence so as not to fall victim to a bear or moose attack. Sarah was very responsible and in perfect intervals would loudly chant and clap. This seemed to piss off not only the natural wildflife, but Daniella as well. Daniella felt that her simple “Sarah, F-You,” would suffice in keeping animals away. Yet it seemed to have no effect on Sarah’s resilent and gregarious personality.

Upon returning to Jackson we decided to take an evening stroll and admire the plethora of Wolf and Eagle shirts available in the town. We were quite convinced the town had not matured since the 90s. Then, while walking along the boardwalk street, we were surprised and starstruck as we happened upon the filming trailers for our beloved show “Modern Family!” We immediately began talking as loudly as possibly in hopes the writers would hear how damn funny we were and cast us in the season premier.

Afterwards, we dipped into Jackson’s famous “Million Dollar Cowboy Bar,” where we went more to straddle the bar stools made of horse saddles than to join in the cowboy revelry. We then retired to our lodgings, where we each eased into our nighttime rituals: Sarah, diving into John Steinbeck’s East of Eden, and Daniella, turning up the volume on J-Lo’s rom com “The Wedding Planner”.

The following morning we embarked northeast towards Wyoming’s 2^nd largest city, Casper. Here we were greeted by Sarah’s South African friend, Derek. Derek took us on a tour of the town and showed us three of the “Seven Wonders of Casper:” the echo chamber outside the Natrona County Public Library,  the Egg Beater (a tall wells fargo sign that induces dizziness and allows one to feel like they are in an egg beater when looking up under it), and a mirror outside a woman’s clothing store that gives the illusion one is floating. The Great Wall of China’s got nothing on that.

Still tired from our travels, and per Derek’s suggestion, we partook in a series of what we like to call “Early Retirement” activities. Putt Putt golf got a little competitive as Sarah lost to Daniella by a mere stroke. Yikes! Sarah was a sore loser, for she was blaming her overly powerful strokes on the 6 minutes of shake weighting she did in the passenger seat of the car earlier that day. Bocce Ball in Derek’s backyard proved to be a “sport” we could both excel at and now envision ourselves routinely playing on the well-manicured lawns of Boca Raton. After working up a sweat from the evening activities, we were rewarded with a wonderful BBQ from Derek’s family.

As night fell and the stars began to creep across the sky, Daniella seemed to be a little spooked by Casper (GET IT?!). Derek and his family enjoyed taunting us with stories of witchcraft practiced atop Casper Mountain: our next destination.

To continue with our early retirement theme we donned jeans and running shoes—the ultimate middle aged ‘hip’ wear—and jumped into Derek’s car.  We drove along the windy mountain roads of Casper Mountain to a meadow where we settled down to star gaze. The clear Wyoming skies let us sink into our selves and a bottle of the local Wyoming liquor. We opened our ears to the sounds of the coyotes, chirping crickets and…Avril Lavigne coming from the romantic couple’s car parked at the edge of the meadow.  But we understood, for nothing says “I’ll Make Love To You” like Avril’s “Sk8er Boy.”

Now on the WY-450 we have decided to spice things up by trading in our Lemon Zest Luna Bars and raw almonds for a more exotic snack of Pocky- everyone’s favorite Japanese “chocolate cream covered biscuit sticks”.

 No sleep ‘till Rushmore,

PP and DLO

THIS IS THE PLACE

Shabbat Shalom from Jackson Hole, Wyoming!


Arrived here this afternoon, all the way from Utah. But a little about Salt Lake: We began our adventures there by hiking at Snowbird, a ski resort in the mountains surrounding the city. To reward ourselves for enduring the altitude and steep incline, we took a chairlift back up and ziplined down. What fun!

In the evening, David and Ashley took us to a local watering hole and eatery in the canyon. Sarah, feeling a little homesick for California due to Utah's lack of Prius' (Prii?), felt the need to cause a ruckus and trouble the server for garlic basil aoli instead of mayonnaise on her turkey burger. Sarah also opted out of the local microbrew and felt it necessary to sip on a mimosa......In addition to the beautiful backdrop of the canyon and laughs over David's berry-filled 'whiskey smasher', we were serenaded by a guitar-strumming duo who oddly enough both looked strikingly similar to The Beach Boys' Brian Wilson, and oddly enough only played cover songs about food. 


After dinner, David and Ashley took us on the grand tour of the city, starting with a brief photo shoot at a sight literally called, "This Is The Place," the place where Joseph Smith declared Salt Lake to be "the place" for the Mormon Mecca. When in Utah, do as the Utes do, so our next stop was the Mormon Tabernacle in the heart of Salt Lake's downtown. We seemed to be a bit out of place, as everyone around us was wearing a white shirt, a name tag, and carrying some book we were not familiar with. The beautiful architecture and ability to recognize ones religion by appearance reminded us of the Old City. What a wonderful way to end our time in Salt Lake!


This morning we headed due North...east....towards Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Along the way we made a big deal about stopping at the first "Welcome to Wyoming" and "Welcome to Idaho" signs, but soon realized we would be weaving in and out of Wyoming, Utah, and Idaho for the next 5 hours. Tempers flared as Sarah insisted on stopping the car and running between Utah and Wyoming's borders whilst Daniella was set on driving.

Sarah was then quite irked, as Daniella bragged about her "stellar vision," using the analogy, "I have the eyesight of dog." "Dogs are pretty much blind," Sarah bluntly responded. Daniella rebuttled, "Fine, I have the eyesight of a bat!" The saying, "Blind as a Bat" clearly had not reached Daniella's ears. But tension soon calmed as we headed through Cokeville, Wyoming. After making fun of the name and appearance  of the town for a second, we found out that our dear friend Michael 'Rafiki' Horwitz was a temporary resident of the town just one year ago...


We reached Jackson Hole in the late afternoon. At 6:05pm, we were startled and frightened by the sounds of gunshots. Naturally, upon hearing gunshots, we ran towards their source. Little did we know, that every evening for the past 55 years, the town of Jackson Hole reenacts a classic western shootout in the town square. Entertaining as it was, Daniella continuously mumbled about how she would have much rather witnessed a Brokeback Mountain reenactment. You can't have it all.


Keeping Wyoming Wild,
PP and DLO

"Reno: Loosest Slots in the USA!"

Day 1: 
'Twas 9:30am (PST) when we pulled into the parking garage at Circus Circus, Reno's "premier" casino. After admiring the early birds and night owls getting over their meth binge at the "The Tigress" slot machine, we decided it was time for us to play pennies. Though we did lose our precious dollar, we did manage to get carded six times in four minutes by cops, servers, and managers alike. 

Twenty minutes later, we were on the road again. Our next stop: Winnemucca, Nevada (where we, unfortunately, did not win a mucca). As we drove in, we were greeted by the town's welcome sign: "Winnemucca: Proud of it!" How empowering to know that Winnemucca is so self-confident. What's not to be proud of when you are hosting the region's premier pig wrestling competition next month?

Elko was the next town along our route, where we noted a common precious motif of Guns. Nothing says road trip good ol' country roads like a billboard of five children, one headless, and bold writing "Guns make holes" Although that was a bit terrifying, it was good to know it was easy to report shootings to the local, absurdly long, non-911 number to call.


As we transitioned into Mountain Time crossing the border into Utah, Daniella got to listen to Sarah's banter of how much salt her skin had already accumulated. "I've been aSALTed" was an over-used pun (depends on whose POV) Sarah was proud of. We then introduced our soon-to-be daily "Five GRE Words of the Day." Sarah was excited, but Dani was absolutely stolid in response to Sarah's enthusiasm. But we were very enthusiastic about the sportive activities to take place tomorrow and have been quite stentorian in our celebrations. 


By 5 pm we were driving around the ocean in the oasis some call the Great Salt Lake. 12 hours, the Parent Trap soundtrack and a 44 oz diet pepsi later, we rolled into Salt Lake City and were welcomed into David and Ashley's new home with open arms and a bomb ass bbq.


Off to get our beauty sleep for our big sister wives wedding tomorrow,
Affectionately yours,
DLO and PP

How it all began...

It all began with Miriam's Song. The women danced with their timbrels, exalted each other... and PP and DLO became co-counselors. From then on ensued a glorious friendship full of awkward prom poses, 'Nam veteran museums, summers on the vineyard, Keen sandals and unusual bowel movements.

It was in the summer '10 when PP and DLO were stuck in an atrocious traffic jam somewhere between Manteca and Oakdale, California. Cars were bumper to bumper, the heat was oppressive, the scenery was nothing special and the CD was beginning to skip.

And something was off--there was no drumming of fingers on the dashboard, no awkward throat clearings, no starting sentences with "sooooo how about this weather we're having..." and no uncomfortable shifting of sticky thighs on the Volvo's leather seats. Something was indeed off. And that something was...that we were enjoying ourselves!! We actually LIKED being in the car together! We LIKED the traffic! Within that car, we were free. We were fearless. We were FIERCE (like Sasha, formerly Beyonce)

And as we ignored the blaring honking horns behind us, our heads turned toward each other and we nodded in unspoken agreement. LET'S DO AMERICA! And so we shall.

We will be hittin' up Utah (where we hope to become sister wives), Wyoming (Grand Teton/TITon National Park won't know what hit it), South Dakota (where we will be attempting to scale the mountain and chisel our own faces in, obvs), Minnesota (where we will be seeing REBA host the nation's #1 state fair), Kansas (the "Paris of the Plains"), Colorado (no, no, WE'RE Bolder...) and lots of great friends along the way!

We invite you to join us as we traverse the great American landscape. Hop on in, the back seat's open!